I’m all about being open and talking about feelings but the last few months I’ve found it hard to discuss. I started my modern psychology series to raise awareness about common mental health problems, but found myself putting off writing the post about depression. Why? I knew I’d see too much of myself in it. I’ve even avoided writing this post. So far I’ve watched two YouTube videos, had a packet of snack a jacks then took the bins out. Semi-productive, but not what I should be doing.
Looking back, I’ve always had mild mental health problem and dipped my toe in and out over most of my teenage years and early adulthood. Some periods have been short, days or so, and others have gone on for maybe a week or more. In the last year or so, constant worry about work has made it worse.
Whilst I am passionate about my career, finding myself in jobs that I didn’t really want to be doing just to make ends meet became harder and harder. I got really lucky, and the place where I had been volunteering for ages offered me work with a a partner company. I was utterly relieved, but as time went on this job felt less and less relevant. Whilst I got the dreamy title, I wasn’t doing what I thought I was going to be. I felt the fog descend, and especially over the winter months, found myself having more bad days than good days. I became nasty. My excuse is boredom, but that’s probably not fair either. I was depressed. A horrible word to throw around, but I knew it deep down. I was unhappy.
Depression affects us all in different ways. I see it in myself with lethargy. My motivation drops and my energy is nonexistent. I overeat, oversleep and over think. I become an arse, a self-absorbed arse. I don’t like myself and I definitely don’t look after myself.
If you’re in that state now, reading this. Go and get help. For me, I probably should have, but I knew what was causing it and so put it off. It’s only now, after getting a new job and the sun being present, that I feel the fog is lifting. I don’t feel as consumed as I once did. Don’t let it consume you.